Never doing Hospitals again....
Aug. 14th, 2013 08:44 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
tennis_no_koFuck. That was such a bad decision. I’m never visiting childrens’ wards again in public.
I shouldn’t have accepted that publicity event, but I didn’t want to refuse, especially when they said that all the children would really appreciate a celebrity visit. When I walked in, they’d made all made little posters or things for me and it was so touching. I spent a lot of the time talking with them about my experiences with Guillain Barre and how I dealt with it and how I got better and asking them about how they felt and what they wanted for birthdays and what they enjoyed in their lives.
A lot of the children were asking whether they’d get better like I did….and though the doctor had told me beforehand that a few of them might not survive, I lied and told them yes, because medicine and hope would always win against death. But there was this one little girl who called me out on it, because she said that there was no cure for muscle atrophy and she was going to die anyway.
I had to take a break then. Shit, I started crying. Still am. It’s...it’s just like how I felt back in middle school. It’s...it’s still raw. I genuinely thought I was going to die. I was writing wills and confessions before my operation for everybody. I had a list of things to see before I die....
I don’t know if I can go back into the room and pretend like everybody in the room is going to be okay and is going to survive, because that's unrealistic. I’m still crying now. This was a horrible idea...
Kura...is your phone on?
I shouldn’t have accepted that publicity event, but I didn’t want to refuse, especially when they said that all the children would really appreciate a celebrity visit. When I walked in, they’d made all made little posters or things for me and it was so touching. I spent a lot of the time talking with them about my experiences with Guillain Barre and how I dealt with it and how I got better and asking them about how they felt and what they wanted for birthdays and what they enjoyed in their lives.
A lot of the children were asking whether they’d get better like I did….and though the doctor had told me beforehand that a few of them might not survive, I lied and told them yes, because medicine and hope would always win against death. But there was this one little girl who called me out on it, because she said that there was no cure for muscle atrophy and she was going to die anyway.
I had to take a break then. Shit, I started crying. Still am. It’s...it’s just like how I felt back in middle school. It’s...it’s still raw. I genuinely thought I was going to die. I was writing wills and confessions before my operation for everybody. I had a list of things to see before I die....
I don’t know if I can go back into the room and pretend like everybody in the room is going to be okay and is going to survive, because that's unrealistic. I’m still crying now. This was a horrible idea...
Kura...is your phone on?
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no subject
Date: 2013-08-14 04:43 pm (UTC)[Screened]
How...how did you deal with it? It's all very well when you're ill yourself, but how did you keep somewhat optimistic from the outside? It's so difficult....
no subject
Date: 2013-08-14 04:52 pm (UTC)As if you don't remember me crying at your bedside, Seiichi.
I just have faith. Faith in my own strength and will to hold it in until I'm in a place I know I can vent. Give yourself a place you can vent in afterwards, and you can face the rest of the day.
[Screened]
Date: 2013-08-14 05:06 pm (UTC)....this is stupid of me, sitting here and wallowing in the supplies closet. I'm sorry for being a burden. I'll...do my best to keep smiling until I can get home.
[Screened]
Date: 2013-08-14 05:14 pm (UTC)You aren't stupid, Seiichi, and you aren't a burden. I just know you want to seem strong.
[Screened]
Date: 2013-08-14 07:03 pm (UTC)And I am pretty stupid for wallowing for so long. After I told you not to do it a while back. And...I don't want to seem strong. I want to be strong.